Love never fails

For the past two years year I've watched your little sister and wondered what you would have been like if I'd known you then.  I saw her at the point where your life fractured and my heart broke.  I looked at her before Christmas and thought, this is where you were when we met you. As we have celebrated your adoption, I've thought of where you were when you came home to us, right at the age your sister is now.

You were a baby living a life not meant for a child.  I've thought about how much she's had that you missed.

And I have to stop myself.  Because it isn't fair.. .to you or me or anyone to wonder what if.  Because we only go forward.

I've had to give myself space to mourn not getting to have the snuggles and the loves with you that the other two got from the beginning.  I've had to remind myself that I'm not to blame for not being there. That I'm the only one of the two of us who will remember we never had that.  You will only remember me as your mama.

This road has been hard, harder than sometimes we've let on.  I've raged in my head, talked until I ran out of words and then things would be great until we hit a wall and then repeat... And truth be told, because we missed all those sweet baby bonding moments, there have been times where I haven't had the sweetest feelings.

And then I remember that Love isn't a feeling.. Love is something you do. It is something that can come easy or may be something you have to work to give.  Love is patient, love is kind... is not self-seeking...  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.   

No matter how hard this has been or how many times we've stumbled, we haven't given up... and we will never give up. Love never fails.

When we first batted around the idea of you, everyone was excited but scared.

What would we have to give up? Would our lives look the same? Were we strong enough? What about the child we already had and the little one on the way?

And somewhere in all that mess, I remember having a conversation with someone who loves you very much. And what they realized after lots of prayer. This isn't really about any of the rest of us. It is about you... you needed us and it would change your life. And we had to trust the God knew what we all needed.

And on our tough days, on the days when I don't feel strong enough, I go back to that conversation... I look back in my mind at that tiny, sweet girl who said "help me" and "I, Lexi".  That girl who wasn't afraid of three total strangers. That girl we waited more than 5 long months to hold in our arms.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.