Aloha Hawaii, two decades later

     

August 17, 2003: My second moment of extreme courage, radically changing my life. 

I took a running leap of faith into the unknown. 

To save myself, that heartbroken girl who always did what she thought was expected of her. 

To stop drowning in grief and expectation.  

To finally be free to discover that second chance I gave myself six years prior. 

To find myself. 

To chase a dream.

I had rented an apartment online, sight unseen. I'd never been on an airplane alone; never even been to Hawaii. I was all alone and so full of hope, yet it was still a day of "do it scared".

I did it for me, for my niece and nephews, for Matt, for my future children. So that I could truly have an answer to "what did you do with your one wild and precious life". 

Little did I know at that moment what a ripple I made not only in my own life, but also for my family. I won't forget sitting at the bus stop months later, answering a call from Dad that he'd made a major life/career decision because he was inspired by my 'be brave and follow your dreams' moment. 

My Hawaii decision wrapped back to March of 2003. I'd been accepted at two Midwest schools and had secured a teaching assistant position with paid tuition and a stipend. The rejection to my dream school, the University of Washington iSchool (Seattle), arrived the same day as my acceptance to UH-Manoa. Hawaii was the crazy "what-if" application I threw in the hat at seemingly the last minute, while browsing the ALA accredited programs list over Christmas break. 

And yet even with that clear God message, I still didn't know what to do. I waivered because the "smart" choice was no student loans. 

As we sat talking one day, Lyle asked "well, what do YOU want, Jenni?" It was maybe the first time in my "adult" life I'd ever truly asked myself that. Of course, my mom knew what I needed to hear. I'd always made decisions based on what I thought was expected and what others might think. 

"What do you want, Jenni?" I wanted Hawaii, with whatever expectations vs reality that would bring. I wanted an adventure, a reinvention. I wanted Jenn; to discover who that woman was and what made her happy.  

I had to make my own way, build my own framily. It was scary, lonely, expensive, but it was mine.  

Now that I'm a parent, I am in awe at my parents as they quietly put their 23-year-old daughter on an airplane and watched her leave, while they were no doubt scared to death. A bittersweet moment watching their child chase a dream. 

I haven't been back to Hawaii/Honolulu since May 2006 and I miss it. I know I'd never want to leave.  Every time we go to Oceanside, I take a deep breath and close my eyes because it's so close and the salty air heals the longing in my heart for a short time.

I tell my kids about living in Hawaii, although I should tell them more. When Skye heard about the Maui fires, she told me she "Mama, I'm sorry your home burned down and is gone." Even though the geography was a bit off, (I've only been to Oahu and Kauai), she knows where a piece of my heart lives, always.