Looking Back at 30

As I look forward to the next decade of my life, it feels necessary to look back on the last one.

I dreaded turning 30 and I distinctly remember how terrible it seemed. I wasn't where I wanted to be. Thirty felt like real adulthood and no matter how hard I tried, the goals and dreams I had for that period of my life weren't coming to fruition.  While Brandon and I had been married for three years, we didn't own a house and weren't parents yet. I always thought when you got to a certain age, you magically understood more about life and had it all together. That somehow you woke up one day and the wisdom of adulthood was bestowed upon you. I didn't feel like I knew enough about myself or life to be considered an adult.

 


2009
A few weeks after turning 30, I fell in our kitchen and broke my 5th metatarsal on my right foot (a Jones fracture). It took 12 weeks to heal. I had a knee cart, and a walking boot I wasn't allowed to walk in, and I wasn't able to drive.  That time slowed me down and forced me to ask for help and depend on the caring, courtesy, and compassion of my friends and family.

2010
In March, we bought our first house.
late June, early July: My rheumatoid arthritis returned with a vengeance. For a few weeks I tried to ignore the pain and pray it away but soon realized the long hiatus God had provided for around 20 years was ending.

late July: within weeks of each other, Brandon and I both had conversations with God giving our dreams of being parents over to Him.

July 27: 330pm, I got a phone call that I was a mommy and we met Xavier.

2011
Full of health struggles, both my RA and intense menstrual cycle issue, and finding our balance as a family.

2012
After struggling for several years with our infertility and then missing at least a day per month from intense menstrual pain, I came to the decision that I couldn't continue fighting it any longer and decided to have a hysterectomy, a month before my 33rd birthday.  It has become one of the best decisions I made regarding my health. However I still grieved hard over ending that chapter of possibility.

Around this time we decided to pursue a second adoption.  We learned our first adoption agency had made many changes. While our families encouraged us to get started since there would be several periods of long waits, we prayed and decided we were being given a firm no.

2013
October/November: We found a bigger house and moved across town.

2014
In July, a few days before Xavier's 4th birthday, our furry baby Makai passed away.  We decided to begin the adoption process again.

2015

October 20: I received a phone call that we would be waiting for Skye.

December 9: We met Lexi and I knew instantly that she was mine.  In true form, we had said we would *never* pursue foster care and God decided to push us beyond our fears.

2016
January 27: Skyler was born and I watched my little man fall in love and become his little sister's protector.

May 5: We got the phone call that Lexi would be coming to us.  She didn't officially move in with us full time until the end of June.

The rest of the year was full of family and finding our new balance as a party of five.  While we prayed that we could finalize Lexi's adoption by the end of the year, that didn't end up happening.

2017
Paddling hard to keep swimming through the mess of foster care, trauma, and never ending waits as well as the fear and doubts that I wasn't enough for these three.  I was forced to face my insecurities and continue to work on my parenting skills.

2018
February: After the final injectable RA medicine failed and determined not to transition to infusion drugs, I decided to take control of my health and adjust my diet by restricting gluten, dairy, and processed sugars among other things. Ultimately the diet shift has resulted in a 30 pound weight loss and while not changing or curing my disease, I am able to keep it fairly under control and avoid harsher medications.
May 10: Finally, finally, finally we were able to finalize Lexi's adoption and give her our last name, although we would fight until the end of the year to change her social security number.

Late August: I was accepted into the Leadership Casper program.

November: For years we hadn't regularly attend church for many reasons. We began attending Cornerstone Free Church and from the second we walked in, we felt like it was home.

Fall: I love my library and my job as Teen Librarian and anytime we had ever talked about moving, leaving my job had been out of the question. However, we were both beginning to seriously consider life changes and the possibility of moving and trying something new.

2019
January 22: We adopted our German Shepherd, Hazel.

February 4: I tripped and fell, resulting in a stress fracture of left femur and tearing my left meniscus (which also tore in 2002.) I joked that my thirties were leaving as they had come in.  Now I realize that again God was slowing me down to reveal the next direction.
End of February: My direct supervisor announced her retirement in our department meeting. For years Brandon and others had asked me if I'd ever want her job and I quickly said no way, never. However the instant she announced her plans, I could feel what I needed to do. Within the hour several coworkers expressed their desire for me to apply as did Brandon and my parents. I decided to trust God, took the initiative and spoke with my administration before they even posted the position.

July 1: I officially became the Youth Services Manager.

While I dreaded 30, I'm looking forward to 40. I feel more confident in who I am, where God has led me, and what the future holds.

Comments

  1. I loved your writing !
    You are able to express yourself so well!! God given gift ❗️~Lyle

    Awesome writing ! You should consider writing . Loved your blog ! Dad

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have all been through so much. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share with others! It's been a blessing getting to know you and your family. Maybe the next decade be full of blessings!! ~sara s

    ReplyDelete

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