Help me

I love to be in control. I like to have a plan and know what is going to happen. I'm not good at being spontaneous and I don't necessarily like surprises. I like being self-sufficient and it pains me to have to ask for help or not be able to do something on my own.

I know a lot of people but those close to me and my heart are a smaller circle.  There are people I've known for more than a decade that have no idea about the closely guarded secret I hold in my heart, that really made me who I am.

I'm continually learning as a wife and mom that I don't have the luxury of being perfect. It is easier for us all when I acknowledge and accept that this is who I am, things will be as they are, and we get to either enjoy the moment or be dragged down by the silly details.  I know that the best things have happened when I've let go, taken a running leap, and trusted that whatever was next was worth the jump.

Yet I'm still learning and being taught, over and over again, that there are things I can't do and I do need help with. And that it is okay to reach out and ask.

I'm reminded of that first surprise phone call.  We had some hand-me-down outfits, a car seat, and not much else.  Not long after we arrived home, our cherished family and friends showed up carting armloads of stuff we didn't have and that we could not have survived without.  They just knew what we needed, without ever having to be asked.  They quietly, without fanfare or sometimes without us even knowing, washed our dishes, locked our doors, cooked us dinner, and made sure we were ready for our crazy ride.

This time we have a bit more time to consider what we need, want, or can really live without. Time to gather back the items we rotate between families. Time to really feel that false sense of calm that we have this all together.

Instead of being our gatherers, this time our ever-expanding circle has really become our prayer warriors. We know they have always been, but this time we found ourselves sharing and asking more frequently. As we have contemplated unexpected possibilities, there have been times where we/I have reached those moments where I know I need someone to listen and to take and care for just a small piece of this worry, wonder, and overwhelming idea.

And in doing that, I have not only felt a reassuring peace, but discovered again and again that maybe that was an essential part of this process. That a part of the purpose was that I had to get to that point. That by being stretched I wasn't going to break, I was / we were being strengthened and held.

With that looming unknown possibility, I continue to wonder, should I prepare? Should we have something ready?  When I decided to share those questions with a dear friend one night, she reminded me again of the purpose of that wide net we have created.  "If the possibility happens, you call and you say, 'this is what we need' because that's what people want to do. And until then, you just be."


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